I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
