The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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