no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
