So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
