If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
