Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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