She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
