Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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