are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I am available for nakedness
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
