I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
