The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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