Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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