I just saw a hot homeless man
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
