my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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