I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
