i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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