I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
