I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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