I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
