I accidentally had phone sex last night
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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