This is not my ceiling
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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