I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
