Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
