You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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