I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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