he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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