I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
