Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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