The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
