I love black thongs
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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