I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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