This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
