Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
we're so committed to being not committed
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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