Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
