I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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