I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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