it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
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