If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
