Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
You can't special order awesome
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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