I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
