I met the friendliest cop last night
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Randomize
