Screwed.edu
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
