I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
