Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
