ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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