my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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