Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
