After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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