I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
