how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
