So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
